50 thoughts I had whilst watching 50 Shades of Grey

I did it. I went and saw that film this past weekend with my girls, on Valentines day. Let me start by saying I have never read past the first 10 pages of 50 Shades of Grey. That was about as much as I could take before my eyeballs started to bleed and my toes began to cramp with constant cringe.

I don’t mind cheesy and cringe-worthy, I’ve read the Twilight saga more times than I should admit, and when it comes to the world of adult/erotic fiction, I studied enough of it at University to barely be phased by it. But there was just something about 50 Shades of Grey that screamed ‘horrendous fan fiction’. Long story short, I went into the film with no more than what I’d heard in the media and from friends who have read the books. I had no idea what to expect. 

Popcorn in one hand, a less than stiff drink in the other, the lights went down, the scree resized and the big ol’ 18 certificate came up on screen with a warning of ‘strong sexual content’. I suddenly became very away that I was sat in a room full of strangers. Awkward.

Thoughts? ((Might be considered spoilers if you haven’t seen the film or read the books))

1. I’m sat in a room full of strangers.
2. Some people here look like they’ve come with their mum….
3. Anastasia looks a helluva lot like Bella
4. She also sounds like her
5. …and acts like her.
6. She dresses like Bella
7. And she has an old car…like Bella.
8. Am I in the right movie?
9. Hello Mr.Grey…
10. …I was expecting someone a little more American Psycho
11. That Pencil.
12. Why Does Ana keep poking herself in the chin with a goddamn pencil?
13. She doesn’t look sexy or innocent or alluring.
14. And why is she there in the first place? Couldn’t her room-mate have just Skyped Grey?
15. Ana has a flip phone.
16. Grey upgrades everything in her life except the vintage flip…and I don’t even think it was a motorola
17. Cable ties. Duck tape. Rope. 
18. OMG why wouldn’t you run away from someone buying ‘I’m going to kidnap you’ paraphernalia?
19. Grey is clearly and obsessive stalker - not a boy simply falling in love with a girl.
20. How does he keep finding her when her phone doesn’t have an app for that?
21. Why is she not concerned about how easily her finds her?
22. And how easily he ‘breaks’ into her apartment?
23. Leg hair
24. Pubic hair
25. I need more popcorn.
26. I’ve seen more nudity and sex scenes in HBO programs
27. I want to ride in a glider. Now.
28. Seriously. The sex is not that ‘weird’.
29. It’s actually pretty tastefully shot. 
30. Everybody talks too slow.
31. That’s why this film is over 2 hours long.
32. What’s on the ‘approved food list’?
33. It’s impossible to have a business meeting in the dark.
34. And when did little miss jeans and converse learn to wear a dress like that?
35. She walks confidently in the heels - then later in similar heels she suddenly walks like Bambi?
36. Oh. Grey is tormented by his stereotypical ‘mum was a crack whore’ past.
37. Saw that coming.
38. So all people who are into BDSM are tortured souls? Not buying that!
39. Rita Ora?? Why? 
40. If you’re planning on making love to someone for the first time, wouldn’t you shave your legs?
41. I’ve seen more sex in Game of Thrones.
42. And Boardwalk Empire.
43. Ana goes full frontal naked.
44. Grey never shows us his little friend
45. I really want the soundtrack to this movie.
46. Ana wants to know how bad games in the playroom can get.
47. *hides behind fingers*
48. …wait….is that Grey doing his worst?
49. Yawn. Yawn. I need to pee.
50. Oh good a cliffhanger ending. Didn’t see that coming…*eye roll*

Overall, not the film I was expecting. All the issues and talk around the BDSM, the sex scenes etc, totally over-hyped in my opinion. Everything moved too slow and it was certainly no ever-lasting love story. He wants to be all dark and moody, he fails. She wants to be all innocent and demure, she fails.

Can’t say I’m even half inclined to pick up the books or see the second film.

Are you a fan of the series? Can you change my mind? Seen the film? Let me know in the comments below!

Until next time,

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